I tell you ah

suddenly i feel very worthless.. i’ve stayed in my current company for almost six years, and i am still commanding less than $3k every month not inclusive of bonuses. isn’t that pathetic??? i really hate the stuff that i did to my life. about how i started late in pursuing my degree, hence i am still left with one more year to go before i can hop on to bluer horizons and i am already an old hag now at 25 going 26 this year. about how i am always in the wrong relationships and mixing with the wrong kind of people. *screams* 

a friend said about taking risks, hopping now. but i thought with the current economy and my pathetic amount of salary, i think my pay is gonna be <$2.5 after i hop. furthermore, i am not sure if i am able to chiong at my work ,given that i have to spend some time on my studies right? sigh. when can i finally hit the $3k mark? think it’s tough, even if there’s increment end of this month.

i have a freaking jealous streak in me. my friend who is retrenched four months ago, got four months of compensation and has recently found a job at a MNC. lucky her. i want a break too. i think my jealous streak scares people. sigh.  i think i am the lowest achiever among my friends.  boo. make that fattest as well. boooo.

i am such a horrible monster. feeling fat, ugly, unwanted, useless, hungry. yucks. horrible emo bitch!

he messaged me on sat night, “ok i jian… i admit i do miss you =(”

i melted…

we talked over it during the weekends… he suggested that we get together.. so as to help me avoid the ex as well as for us to see if we really suit each other or not. cos everything we do and say now has an emotional attachment to each other.

but the catch is this, he can only give me a non-committal relationship as he still can’t forget his ex (he claims he will kill anyone who tries to delete her photos in his pc. this is god damn fucking extreme. he should consider seeing a counsellor or psychiatrist). anyway, he says i am free to look around and dump him if i find someone better.

my emotional side tells me i should be with him. but my rational side says no. i am just scared that ultimately i will fall deeper than him. and by then, the ball will be in his court and i’ll lose more than i have now.

for now, we are just keeping a distance (not messaging/msning/meeting) until both of us feel more detached emotionally. as fast as the love came, it’s gone as well. if… … if only he had already let his ex go, things between us would be so much simpler. =(

this blog is becoming an outlet for me to vent my anger and frustration. whenever i feel as if i’ve reached my limit, i would think about this blog. maybe it’s time i start coming back here regularly to write about the happenings in my life.

okay, so it’s storytime. just more than a month ago, i met this guy through a dating event. i was the one who emailed him to add me into msn. we chatted on msn everyday. sparks flew. a few days later, we met for a movie. i was late. our first movie was benjamin button at downtown east cathay. i cried buckets during the show. we chatted. there was chemistry. there was laughter. it was nice. on the way back, he gave me a bottle of birdnest (due to him using ^&@#$@$# in our msn conversations. i still owe him 10 cups of coffee.)

the second date was after he had met up with a friend to fix her hard disk, he called me up for dinner. it was at whitesands foodcourt. many times, i did not make eye contact with him. he realised it too. after that we strolled by the fishing pond, sat at the park and started talking. he mentioned about his female friend, being with a married man, and it was lucky that she did not get pregnant. later on, he mentioned my facial expression seemed weird when we were on that topic. he did not know what i’ve been through. i just cooked up the excuse that i had a strong urge to pee.

the third date was when he was at ubi for work, and he decided to drop by bugis to meet me for lunch. we had lunch, then we went to bras brasah to bind my lecture notes. on the way back to my office, he wanted to pass me a box of panadol for flu. i rejected as i told him i do not want to 误会. i am just afraid of falling deeper and deeper.

on the supposed fourth date, he came to pasir ris mrt, wanting to give me a surprise. however, the ex came to school to look for me instead. i did not know he waited for me at pasir ris mrt, until the ex sent me home at 1+am. but he had already went back.

so on the actual fourth date, we went to watch slumdog millionaire. he was late as he had to make a police report as some loanshark called him up and demanded for payment. i collected the tickets, bought popcorn and waited for him outside the cinema. after the movie, we went to changi village for dinner. and after the dinner, we sat by the beach where we chatted, where i hit him a few times with my plastic water bottle, where he suddenly held my hand, where i jumped when he did that. please don’t make me fall further. that night, we smsed. he asked me if i want to be with him. i rejected as my ex is still pestering me at times. i thought, it’s just not fair to him.

on the fifth date, he messaged me and told me to wait for him at the busstop near my house in 15mins. he was walked towards the busstop with 2 cups of bubble tea. it was sweet. we went to the park and chatted again. i wished i had the courage to hug him.

on the sixth date, we went to a hotel. we slept together on the same bed. he touched me. i tried to refuse. we ended up having sex. the sex was different. no cuddlings after it was done. i was the one who held his hand and laid on him. it was just different. maybe because i want to be in a relationship with him. we went for lunch and he sent me home. just like in a relationship, yes?

the next day, we were surfing friendster and chatting on msn. suddenly he showed me his ex’s profile. and suddenly he told me he thinks that he cannot forget her. i don’t feel good. maybe i am just not good enough. maybe he just wanted a free fuck and now he wants to slip out of it. i feel dumb. i feel regretful.

he told me he is not ready. he thought he has already gotten over his ex. but somehow after viewing through her friendster, the memories came flooding back to him. she still resides somewhere within him. what should i do? what can i do? i told him i am so disappointed with him. especially after we have done the deed. in the first place, why did i even agree to go, silly!!! he said he will be responsible. to me, it’s crap. i don’t want responsibility just for the sake of being responsible! i think i’ve lost. terribly.

he said he needs time. but when? what if after 3 months, he tells me he still cannot forget his ex, while i’ve already fallen to the point of no return? what if after 6 months, he meets someone new, a girl of his dreams, and he is grateful that i stood by his side?

we agreed to carry on from where we left off, excluding the sex. but why is it that our discussions tend to warp towards sexual related stuff? it’s so hard. i am emotional. i am over sensitive. i am… … i just don’t know. the past 3 years… with a married man… with the knowledge that i cannot get any status… it just eats me up. now then i realise, he’s just not the right one for me. 

my mind is in a whirlwind now. i wished i didn’t emailed him. i regretted it so much. i just want someone to dote on me, to care about me. how i wish i could just tell my ex about everything that has happened. at least there is someone to be by my side, to fuss over me, to tell me that everything is gonna be ok. yes, i am selfish. i shouldn’t do it. i can’t because the ex will be worried about me. he will come running back to me. he will want to protect me. he will not want to let go.

i can’t if i want his family to be happy.

all i ask is just to be loved… *leans over to grab that cup of mcflurry and cheese fries* sighhhhh

why do i feel that sex always exists in my relationships with others? uhmmm, not always but uhmm… it’s like happening to a couple of my relationships/friendships with other guys…

uhhh no… this is not turning into a sex blog cos i am too shy for that lol…

uhmmmmm, so why is the adult world so complex??? complex in the sense that why do people yearn to get intimate with one another? and if there is too much sex going on, the girl will start wondering if the guy truly loves her or he just wants her for sex.

we always see little girls wearing teeny weeny skirts with their diapers showing and we think of that as cute. but if a girl were to wear a tube dress or a short skirt, that is seen as revealing. and why do guys’ thoughts always steer the wrong way? when a girl sees another pretty girl, she would think that the girl is pretty… but if a guy sees a pretty girl, he would most imagine how she would be, lying naked in bed…

some people just like to crack dirty jokes…. being around them makes me watch EVERY word that i say. for example, if i said 你的头! most of the time, their reply would be 哪一个头?? is it because i always mix with the wrong people? then again, can’t be, cos people use sex to climb the corporate ladder, get sugar daddies to buy them pradas & lvs…

speaking of which, i just got to know an uncle who is of sugar daddy material… hmmmm it’s quite therapeutic to go dragonfly on a wednesday night, sitting there doing nothing except chatting, drinking and listening to the live band… but of course, nothing is going on between me & the uncle…

gosh… it’s kinda scaring me to know that i have so many things to do but so little time. i need to really start sitting in front of the desk to do my revisions for the upcoming exams (a classmate took 2 months no pay leave just to study !!!!!!!!!), i need to get my license this year, hook that cute guy in school, get a sugar daddy, shop for more dresses, pass my exams, get a new job and oh yah, i wanna get a wii!

but first, i need to get my ass off and go home. byeee! =)

i have been thinking abt weird analogies…

let’s say one day, you are planning to go orchard road for some shopping, and you saw a SBS bus approaching the bus stop (at tampines for example) and you board it…

at PIE, the extreme hot weather suddenly turns cloudy and begins to rain heavily… you are thankful that you are in the bus and protected from the storm… however, after travelling for 1hr +, you realised that the bus is nowhere near orchard and the surroundings don’t seem the least bit familiar to you (but the bus is still in SG though), would you

 
1) press the bell and alight at the next stop, or
2) continue to travel in the bus until you see that you are at a place that somehow seems a little familiar and you kind of know how to go to orchard from there or alight when you see a MRT track/station, or
3) just forget abt going to orchard road, and continue the ride and treat it as a discovery tour around SG although you don’t even know where the bus is gonna bring you to ultimately.

 
the bus is the man… not all buses that come along can bring you to your destination (not all guys can give you what you want). the extreme weather is the unhappiness and setbacks that you may face in life. you are thankful to the bus for sheltering you from the rain and providing air-condition when it’s freaking hot (a guy providing you a shoulder to cry on, for being there when you need him)…

but after being in the rship for sometime, you realised that this man has different objectives in life, may be that he doesn’t want to get married and have kids, may be that he is bad tempered and extremely controlling, or that he is a really nice guy, but both of you just can’t click and agree on certain things… 

when you realise that the bus is not going to orchard road (the rship is not gonna work out ultimately), are you gonna continue the ride?

 
1st choice is “No, alight first, riding in the wrong bus is a waste of time (end the relationship immediately, there is no point if it’s not gonna work out).”

2nd choice, “Hmm, i will alight if when the bus is at somewhere that i have been before. Or if the bus passes by a MRT track or MRT station (i will still be with the current guy, until i meet a new guy who has what i want, then i will dump the current one and be with the new one!).”

3rd choice, “waaaahh i have never been to this place before, the scenary is quite nice hor… aiyah, tomorrow then go orchard lah (i am happy being with him, so let’s enjoy the happy moments while it lasts, i will find a more suitable one after we end this rship)!”

taken drugs??? something like ecstasy, or heroin or sniffing glue…

how does it feel like?

the thought of taking drugs and the “might be” consequences worries you?

what if i get addicted? what if i get caught? what if they do something damaging to my body?

i remembered i once told him that he is like an addiction. as much as i know it’s wrong, but it’s hard to get out of it. like drugs, once you start, it’s hard to quit. despite knowing the damaging effects that they do to your body, despite knowing the severe consequences if you are caught.

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WARNING: START OF EMOTIONAL BORING SHIT

i am suffering from the withdrawal symptoms now…

a firm “No” isn’t going to solve the issue. bcos sometimes, i am the one who wants to go back.. even if it means sharing him with another woman, even if there is much lesser attention than before, even if it means constant anger, sadness and disappointments, even if this relationship is not going to work out in the long run, even if it’s a immoral thing to get involved with a married man, even if i have to put up with names like “slut” or ”whore”, even if it means sending lots of smses without a single reply from him, even if it means having to cry myself to sleep every night.

all i want is attention and TLC… even though the TLC is temporary, may or may not be real, as in heartfelt and from the bottom of his heart, but it’s enough to keep me happy, just like the high drug addicts get after consuming drugs.

i feel like smsing him again… i really miss him…

END OF EMOTIONAL BORING SHIT

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my classes have started, but i am only taking one subject now. there are lots of guys in my lecture group, but almost everyone sits right next to their bags. i don’t understand. is the bag so holy that it deserves to have a seat? and i find it hard to penetrate and talk to ANY one of my lecture mates. it’s sad. i am sad. *shrugs* i think the problem lies with me, maybe i am too anti-social, maybe becos i am too pretty and the guys are intimidated. i mean it’s hard to talk to people who are in groups, it’s like there is an invisible energy ring around the group, and anyone who tries to go near, gets ZAP ZAP ZAP, and bye bye. and it’s hard to talk to people who are by themselves, especially guys…. cos euuuuu boys are smelly it seems like i am trying to pick them up. then again, guys should take initiative what!!! ALL of them SHOULD come and talk to me. hahahaha. okie, i should stop my freak mentality and just go and talk to the girl next to me!!! hmmm, but then i already know her… sigh, she is the only friend i have made in SIM… SIGH! ok, i should just go and talk to people, anyone… like the cleaning lady and the guy who provides refreshments to all the lecture halls…

btw, i am pissed abt those morons who talk in class… i mean, it’s ok to have conversations, but hello?? we do not pay money to listen to your conversations!!! if you wanna talk, at least have the decency to whisper. the lecture hall is not made up of you and your friend(s) only! ta ma de!!! seriously, i must go to school early one day, write a note and paste on their usual seats! selfish low EQ idiots! especially this two girls who always talk and laugh in class!!! nabeh.

oh yah, and i am thinking of job hopping… my current salary sucks… sigh, i need more money for online shopping… basically, it’s the thing that keeps me alive everyday, buying pretty clothes, wearing pretty clothes.

at home, i am always in my room with the door shut = no family life.

at work, the pay that i get does not motivate me and it’s the same old monotonous shit everyday. sometimes, i am even damn scared to go to work, cos it means seeing the same thing, doing the same thing, facing the same problems. even a boring game like solitaire excites me more than my work = lousy work life.

my relationship??? SIGH! = no love life.

therefore the conclusion is that i have no life.

online shopping is like giving me life (???) it’s a nice feeling to see pretty clothes online, buy them and wear them.

okie, i am done with the things that i wanna say. byeeee!

seriously very sad… pardon me cos nowadays when i write my posts, i can’t seem to find my humour back anymore…

i don’t understand why do i have to be the one to suffer all these heartbreaks…

people have been telling me that i deserve it. and that i should just move on.

they made it sound like it’s as easy as saying 1, 2, 3…

but i am still struggling here, still struggling with this relationship. how can i forget someone who has been with me for 1.5 years? how can i give up a relationship that i spent so much time nurturing? how can i hate someone whom my heart has been given to?

seriously, i hate all couples now, and i wish that i can slay them with a samurai sword or something… hate it when they are so lovey dovey… ARGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! *screams and pulls out hair*

i am sick of being twirled round his finger like some kind of toy. i am sick of myself, why can’t i just pack up all my sorrows, throw them out of the window and get on with life? i am such a freaking weakling! who has not suffer from heartbreaks? why must i make it sound like it’s the end of the world and that i am dying from it?

God, after all the suffering i have been through, please kindly send me a man, who is tall, goodlooking, rich, mature, kind, loves me a lot, loyal, generous, has good bedroom skills, and is single and not gay. Latest by end of this week, ok? I love you God, and i promise move my freaking ass to church soon! But first, you must give me my miracle. Amen.

i am at home… like seriously wtf… a nubile, young pretty fun loving and sociable *cough* girl like me, is at home on a supposed happening friday night… how can????

what’s worse is when i realise none of my friends are online and …. i have a super fucking big pimple on my nose… no wonder nobody wants to date me out…

and some stupid bastard said that sometimes my short skirts make him mari kita in the morning…. fuck!!!! must burn all short skirts and start wearing loose skirts that can sweep the floor… chao neh neh… totally ruined my friday..

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